Matthew wrote me a letter for each day I am gone. He is so thoughtful & sweet. #lucky #love (at City)
what a whirlwind…
grandma fell down the stairs at her house and her fall was stopped by a metal filing cabinet. I called and talked to her and, between me and mom, we convinced her to go to ER to make sure everything was ok (her head had large bumps on it, mom thought she had a concussion). The ER did a CT and everything was ok. ( I was still in JC at this time, waiting to hear the news) Then mom texts me and tells me she fell again, in the hospital! I immediately packed my bag, got Gibbs, and headed to Knoxville. (I also got a speeding ticket within 2 minutes of driving…) While driving, I find out grandma has broken her hip and will need surgery. This is my worst nightmare. Grandma has always said ‘if you break your hip, its all down hill from there’ and I know there’s truth in that.
Now, she fell the first time because she was trying to pack boxes so she could move into her new condo the next day. I can’t help but feel guilty, that i didn’t do enough the weekend I was home..getting things together to help her.. I also feel guilty that I wasn’t with her at the hospital too.. I wouldn’t have let her go to the bathroom by herself :( I know I can’t be with her all the time, but I believe if I was I could prevent anything from happening to her.
SO, Matt and I finished most of the packing (til 4am) and met the movers the next morning (7am) to get everything in the condo and set up. I don’t know why I thought we should do that while gma was having surgery, but I knew she’d be coming home soon and that getting the move out of the way would be helpful since both Matt & I were ‘off’ that day (& since half of her stuff was already in the new place)
I went home last weekend with the intent to study and give my mom a break while I sat with grandma. Well, my mom had other plans and I unpacked boxes, gathered stuff from the other house and brought it over, etc. I feel like my grades show my lack of focus, but I don’t know what to do. The thought of taking time off from school has crossed my mind more than once, but hopefully I can get through the end of this semester.
Grandma keeps telling me, go study, go have fun, go relax. I can’t. at all. I’m supposed to go to Europe this summer, but I just don’t know if I can leave her for a month. :/
With the second semester of med school underway and two midterms on Monday, I find myself overwhelmed and stressed. Sure there is a lot of material and it often feels never-ending, but the stresses of life are what make this a daily struggle for me.
I never realized that moving away from home and separating from my twin sister would be such an emotional roller-coaster. Going through this adventure on my own isn’t as fun as I had hoped. I can’t help but think that if my papaw were still alive that I would feel more relaxed— that i wouldn’t feel the need to go home to Knoxville every weekend and check in on my grandma.. make sure she’s eating, taking her medication, etc. I feel torn even though i’m just 2ish hours away. My mind is always in Knoxville. I never feel wholly here.
I don’t know why I am surprised I feel this way. Being accepted to medical school was bittersweet in the first place. Yeah, I wanted to get in, so bad, but I wanted to share that moment of joy with my papaw. He shared in my journey and gave me support unlike anyone else ever has and I guess ever will. He inspired me and allowed me to see the good in many things, including myself. I was so determined to get accepted. I studied in his hospital room, I called him from the library instead of going to visit sometimes, then I felt like I needed a break before I took the MCAT, so I went to the beach (which was a total disaster because apparently I went with terrible people but anyway..) So I feel guilty for taking time away from spending time with him during his last few months, just so I could go to med school. I sometimes wonder if I had been more concerned about him and his health, if I could have done something to make him better.
So, graduating college, going to medical school, getting engaged, and planning a wedding just haven’t been what I have dreamed of… something’s missing, and it’s my papaw.
I think it is a big step for me to write this down, get it all out, but I don’t know how it can really help me move forward. I’ve tried not thinking about the emptiness I feel, i’ve tried to be social and ‘move on’ with life and I even go to see the school consoler (just for general ‘well being’) but nothing has been able to knock this feeling or make me feel better about being here.
I’ve become such a negative person.. or i am surrounded by self-centered people, I haven’t decided which is true. I am hoping it is self inflicted negativity and that these people really aren’t that bad. However, I have never been surrounded by so many people and felt so alone. I know everyone is different and I can admit I didn’t come to med school to make friends, but.. i thought it would just happen, because we are all loving, caring people with similar goals.. right? Well apparently not or atleast, not yet.
well, maybe after taking this break I can focus less on life and more on studying.
Last night while mom & eliz took grandma out to eat, Matthew & I decorated her house (inside & out) for Christmas. She was very surprised :)
i think i could go through each day and no one would say a word to me. sometimes it seems like i’m not even noticed in the room.